Jerry Jud Skills and Principles of Loving

Original article: Love is an Intention: An interview with Jerry Jud

This is a fascinating interview worth reading in its entirety. The Skills and Principles are at the end, I copy them below:

PRINCIPLES OF LOVING

  1. More than anything else, we seek to love and be loved.
    Each of us is capable of growing in his powers and skills of giving and receiving love. Despite this truth, many die of thirst in a fresh water lake. All about us are those who can give us what we need; we must only learn to ask and then pay up by receiving.
  2. Love is an act of the will. It can be intended and is not something into which we fall.
  3. Love is an attitudinal stance of good will which we take toward another person.
  4. It cannot be earned. Whatever has to be earned is not the real article.
  5. It is not time-bound. One does not have to know another person for a long time before loving him. “And Jesus looked upon him and loved him (Mark 10:21).”
  6. Love is a response to need. You cannot love an un-needy person. Our culture lifts high the virtues of self-sufficiency and independence and those who act as though they need no one receive little love. It is only as we lay bare our needs and open ourselves to receive love that we move from independence to interdependence, the basis of true community.

From our Christian understanding of the meaning of love we have derived the following operational principles:

SKILLS OF LOVING

SEEING

I SEE YOU
I do not look over you,
under you, through you.
I see you there in your uniqueness.

I need to be seen.
I want to be seen.
SEE ME!

HEARING

I HEAR YOU
I listen for the meanings behind your words.

I need you to hear me; not just my words. I need you to help me say what I intend and to hear the message behind my words.

FEELINGS AND IDEAS

YOU HAVE FEELING
AND IDEAS
I recognize your right to feel and think as you do. I may not agree with your feelings and ideas but you are entitled to them because you are human.
Only when I fully acknowledge my feelings and ideas can I grow. If in your presence I can be honest and open about my feelings and ideas, then I can be honest, open and I can grow.

GOODWILL

I HAVE GOODWILL
FOR YOU
I will you good and not evil. I care about you.

I need your goodwill, your help and understanding, in order to develop my potential. Alone I cannot grow. I need your caring.

NEEDS

YOU HAVE NEEDS
If you disclose them to me, within the limitations of my own value system, I will not run away. I will be there for you.

If I am left alone with my needs, where shall I turn? I can only deny having them, stuff them down or pretend they do not exist – or seek to have them filled in some devious way. I need to believe that when I share my needs with you, you will not run away.