I am in part reluctant to write today, as I have so much to share, as my life has taken a definite turning point, a crystallization and falling-into-place and making-whole of all the experiences, triumphs and tragedies, joys and sorrows of my 3 years with Trellis, 6 years with Rebekah, and indeed the entire stream of my life to this day.  I am half-reluctant to share because although there are some very exciting external events, which I will share momentarily, and upcoming adventures (I live for adventures), the essence of this transformation is still internal and in-process, and may therefore be difficult to convey in writing.

I am encouraged to write by a beautiful book I am reading, My years with the Qutb by Sharon Marcus, about her time with the great Sufi saint Bawa Muhaiyaddeen, who spent the last 16 years of his life in Philadelphia (!).  I must be a natural Sufi because every time I read anything on Sufism (previously Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee’s fascinating lectures Love is a fire and I am wood) something inside me responds with a powerful “Yes”; and Sharon Marcus’s book is no exception, I start to cry on every second page (tears of recognition and tears of relief).  Sufism is about the primacy of love, and the burning away of everything that is not-love, and the everyday ecstasy that can be had from the intimate meeting with God and all of God’s creatures, including oneself and one’s fellows.  This is the experience that was at the core of the design of Trellis (and the design of Morehouse as well, that is Trellis’s spiritual parent), it is the same as Jerry Jud’s Love is an intention and “more than anything else, we seek to love and be loved”, it is what happens most weekends (predictably) at Shalom Mountain Retreat Center. It is an experience that has always been with me and called me, that has expressed itself most potently for me in intimate relationships of all kinds, and sexual/romantic attractions; and it’s an experience that is growing deeper and stronger with me every year.

Aside from this brief (rambling?) digression, I do have some news.  I have found my dream job, which is social media director and affiliate manager for a new program called Flawless Living, that is being developed by visionary coach, entrepreneur and internet marketer Mike Jay, which I wrote about in my previous article.  Flawless Living cannot be described in a paragraph, as it’s the result of Mike’s 20 years of research into business coaching, Western psychology and human development (with a smattering of the world’s wisdom literature thrown in), but I can say that it’s a seminar series, a school of consciousness, a community/movement, an integrally-inspired business network, and a training program in internet marketing and business development all at once.  The program is still in development but there is a beta launch in Las Vegas in August and an official launch in Philadelphia in November.  What it’s about for me is the unification of the two fundamental strands, or major impulses of my life, which are the drive for happiness and the drive for “success” (recognition and contribution).  These two major impulses, which I also describe as the masculine and feminine polarities of life, have been at war with each other for 40-odd years. What is so meaningful to me about this assignment, and so magical, is that it’s a recognition and validation of what I have been doing already for a couple of decades, for free—networking for transformation—and so this recognition has been profoundly calming and settling for me.  The fundamental idea of Flawless Living is similar to—but much more complex and layered—than “do what you love and the money will follow”, because many of us have tried doing what we love and the money has not followed, and this is at it should, because the idea is good but a bit naive, and Mike has helped me to understand why. 

Flawless Living is for now just a very part-time job for me, which is just as well, because of my next major piece of news: I am selling an interest in WordPress Academy, for a little cash and some help, to facilitate a big product development effort that will culminate in November with a product I am creating, which is a book/DVD on WordPress web design and internet marketing for small business.  This is my major project for the next 4-5 months, that is going to force me into a kind of focus and self-discipline that I resist and yet I know I need in order to become the person that I want to be (i.e., happy and successful .  The reason I am seeking partners is that I have realized that I don’t want to do this alone, I am not motivated, it’s a fundamental part of my design that I can’t bring myself to do something unless it’s fun, and it’s a fundamental principle of Flawless Living that just because we can do something (like, exercise or meditate every morning) it doesn’t mean that we will, and therefore we need to find workarounds (such as, in my case, finding a partner, even at the cost of giving up some equity). 

Because of all this, I have a very ambitious travel schedule over the next 4 months: in addition to a week-long retreat that Rebekah and I are doing at Shalom Mountain called Sexuality and Spirituality, I have four trips out West scheduled: I am attending the Integral Theory in Action Conference in Pleasant Hill CA (near Oakland) end of July, the Flawless Living immersion in Vegas mid-August, I am going to Burning Man 2010 with a group from Shalom Mountain that I put together, and then back to Vegas again in October for Blogworld where I will be promoting WordPress Academy.  I haven’t travelled much for the last 6 years, so this also is a big change.  The Flawless Living launch is in Philadelphia, thank God—I love traveling for the excitement and all, but I also find it physically challenging. 

So stay tuned for more interesting reports over the course of the summer and fall, hopefully less rambling (although I don’t promise anything

Much love,

Marc

PS: If you like this, please comment

Rebekah and the kids are away for most of the weekend, and so I am enjoying “that blissful solitude, that was so painful in my youth” [Einstein].  Truthfully, the events of the last 6 weeks (starting with the book I am writing and on to extremely exciting events at WordPress Academy, that I haven’t shared yet) have been so intoxicating that I had resolved to spend the entire weekend in bed reading paperback novels and listening to inspirational audios.  But I need to share with y’all what happened yesterday.

Mike Jay is a business coach and developmentalist that I have been connected with loosely for a number of years.  I had actually started his coach training program 5-6 years ago, before deciding that being a business coach probably wasn’t for me.  He’s been pretty quiet for the last few years but has recently surfaced with a coaching / business development program that is so compelling I joined right away.  I will be doing this program over the course of the summer, culminating in an intensive in Las Vegas in late August.  It turns that he has been traveling a lot for the last few years, coaching billionaires and major third-world banks.  I think he is one of the most brilliant people I have ever met, and his ideas on development are both very practical and timely.  The intro call for this program occurred yesterday, and it blew my mind.  I will post the audio to this call when I get permission, but let me summarize some of the key ideas here, and their impact on me.

The relationship between happiness and success, and effective tools to achieve these two goals,  has been the dominant inquiry of my life.  It has always seemed to me that a person could be one or the other – entirely dedicated to work and achievement at the cost of one’s personal life and relationships, or else living a life dedicated to pleasure, connection and authenticity, but at the cost of success and/or financial stability.  I have had very happy times in my life, and quite successful times in my life, but they rarely coincided.  In one way or the other, I have been obsessed with this theme my whole life, which I see as being connected to the “right-relationship” of masculine and feminine forces within oneself [Shirley Luthman, Waking Down in Mutuality], and in the outside world as “sexual polarity” [Lafayette Morehouse, David Deida].  For the last 6 years I have been engaged in a deep exploration of  these teachings, all of which have a lot to say about happiness, and perhaps even about “awakening” – surely, “awakening” needs to include some deep acceptance of self and unconditional enjoyment of life, and so the pursuit of happiness and the pursuit of awakening need be very closely related.  But I have not yet found a philosophy or developmental school in which there is a practical analysis and action plan for simultaneously achieving these two goals, happiness and success.

Mike Jay’s fundamental idea – and this of course is just the tip of the iceberg – is that happiness comes from being oneself, whereas success comes from meeting the success criteria of one’s chosen profession, that will vary (an athlete has different success criteria from an executive).  And the problem is this: that success comes from predictably (repeatedly) doing the actions that will cause one to meet the success criteria for one’s profession;  however, unless one has enjoyment (happiness) in these activities, it’s virtually impossible to do anything with any kind of consistency.  The majority of people struggle their whole lives trying to improve their character or motivation in order to do all the things that they know are necessary for their success, and they fail miserably, simply because human nature and our individuality (skills, likes and dislikes) cannot be easily changed, if at all.  Mike Jay talks about a trillion dollar industry built around training people to do this (change their motivation), which, of course, doesn’t work.  The real solution is to:

1. Understand oneself sufficiently to know one’s limitations, and not even attempt the things that one is not suited for.  It’s much better to not even begin than to spend one’s lifetime in a battle with oneself, in which the speed and efficacy of one’s entire system gets degraded.  This of course is no different than the prime Socratic directive to “know yourself”, brought into the 21st century and expanded to account for all the layers of complexity that must be handled within our modern lives.  (I am reminded here of something I heard the Dalai Lama say: “If you are not going to meditate, don’t even pretend to be a spiritual person.  You will have so much more freedom”).
2. The way to meet the success criteria for which one is not suited, is to partner with someone else.  This however is not an easy thing because in addition to “knowing oneself” it requires the ability to ask for what one needs, and distinguish in the answer whether it’s a good fit.   According to Mike Jay, introverts have a particular difficulty with this, both because going outside themselves is difficult, and because they don’t know how to ask the question (present clearly and enrollingly) and distinguish the answer.  But it’s hard for everyone – this of course is the fine art of leadership, or management.

So there you have it – in a nutshell – the cause of the overwhelm that I have been experiencing lately. I am an introvert which compounds the problem.

It’s difficult for me to fully convey the importance of this insight for me – along with the fact that I seem to have found at least the beginnings of an answer to the problem that has been tormenting me my entire life.  I have studied Ken Wilber and Andrew Cohen (other major integral philosophers / developmentalists), and I am becoming increasingly connected to the “integral evolutionary” community which I see now as my “spiritual home” – but I haven’t yet found anything actionable in these teachings – anything that helps to either alleviate human suffering, inject more love in the world, or put money in my pocket and in the pockets of my clients / business associates.  Even before Mike Jay, I had already started to partner with people more in my business, and will also be getting into social media in a big way in the coming months, but it’s really wonderful to be a part of a coaching and inquiry group around these important issues.  It feels wonderful not to be alone any more, and I am ecstatic.

I will be writing more on this in the coming weeks on the Integral evolutionary blog – you may subscribe there if interested in hearing more.  This list (“Marc’s life and travels”) is a less-frequent personal snapshot of the turning moments in my life, such as this one, and so I won’t be posting a blow-by-blow account of my engagement with these teachings.

Much love,

Marc

I have been quiet on this list for some time.  As public a person as I am, and as much as I enjoy baring my soul all over the internet and to anyone who will listen, there are many aspects of my recent experience that are not useful to share – and some others that involve other people as well, whose story is not mine to tell.  But it is time for me to speak out again.  If you are looking for my usual “blood and guts” storyline you probably won’t be disappointed, but this story does have a happy ending .

If you have been following me on this newsletter, you know that I have been struggling with bipolarity for some time.  I have, essentially, been on an 18 month-long hypomanic trip, powered by coffee.  It was very fun while it lasted (although less so in the last 6 months) but as my latest business venture collapsed (what I believed to be my life-work, the Trellis commune), my coffee addiction got out of control, and my marriage was on the rocks, I had to do some serious soul-searching.  I ended up at the Shivananda yoga ranch in the Catskills, first for two long weekends in December, and then for 9 consecutive days, that are just ending.  I came here for residential detox from coffee addiction – they don’t serve caffeine here (and I am not the only one here for this purpose, either!).  As a kind of self-directed personal retreat venue, this place is as close to paradise as I can imagine (and all of the other guests here are having the same experience, incidentally, so this is not just “hypomanic talk” ).  In addition to the benefits of 4 hours a day of yoga and long walks in the beautiful winter countryside, there is world-class vegetarian food, very comfortable and reasonably-priced rooms, cell-phone reception, and internet in my room (that does it – I am moving in).  The only (arguably) negative, is the lack of animal protein in the diet, which according to my research is very important for recovery from mood disorders (see below).

A few comments on bipolarity – all this from a recent “deep dive” into the topic, my “bible” being Ronald Fieve’s Bipolar Breakthrough.  My self-diagnosis is Bipolar IIb, which is a low-grade variation on classic manic-depression.  The highs are not so out-of-touch with reality as in classic Bipolar I (manic-depression) but there definitely can be some loss of judgment, anger/impatience/irritability, high risk of sexual and financial indiscretions, huge correlation to addictive behavior (especially alcohol and marijuana) and of course the recurring depressions.  I am very fortunate not to have hit any major depressions (knock-on-wood) – at least longer than a day or two – but the thing about bipolars, is that no-one wants to live with us.  Rebekah, bless her heart, was doing her best, but pretty well at the end of her rope (which reminds me of a line from the AA Big Book (Dr. Bob’s story): “for some reason I cannot comprehend, we alcoholics attract the finest kind of women”.  I am not alcoholic, but… you get the idea).

The “b” in “Bipolar IIb”, incidentally, stands for “beneficial”, and highlights the doubled-edged sword of this condition.  It means that when properly understood and treated, Bipolar II can be an advantage in life.  Many famous historical figures are estimated to have had to deal with it (including Winston Churchill, Napoleon, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln of course, Teddy Roosevelt, Andrew Carnegie, William James and Martin Luther) and there are a great many highly regarded modern artists, business leaders, scientists and authors who carry it.  In my case… well I am certainly not at the level of a William James or Martin Luther — and certainly not an Andrew Carnegie — but I think that Rebekah and I did some good work with Trellis.  The people who lived here were very happy, and the community we built is still strong.  And so while in many ways Trellis was a kind of great hypomanic trip for me (a “variety of religious experience” – William James is also opening my eyes) it wasn’t entirely delusional either.  And who is to define what is “real” or not in human consciousness anyway (or even, really, who is “bipolar”)?  I follow the dictum “the true test of your spiritual success is the happiness of the people around you” (Rudi), which is the same as “by their works ye shall know them”.  I was certainly very happy here.  If I had to do it all over again, I would.

But back to Shivananda.  As the stress of the last 3 months began to fall away, and the “coffee DT’s” subsided, it became apparent to me that I have been dealing all my life with a treatment-resistant mood-disorder.  In my late 20’s and early 30s, I went through a very long and painful depression.  Years of psychotherapy helped only slightly, and dozens of trials of anti-depressants either did nothing or made matters worse.  At one point, seriously, I had decided that if I was still depressed by age 40 I could kill myself in good conscience – it was simply unbearable.  However, I can be very persistent and also quite resilient (this is part of the “hypomanic edge” by the way – us bipolars tend to shrug off the pains and difficulties of life better than most since we always have some new plan or adventure brewing).  Eventually I got out, primarily through lifestyle changes, relationships and community-building, and today I attribute most of any depth,  compassion or insight into human nature that I may have acquired over the years, to this very painful experience of my twenties and early thirties.  As of now, I haven’t had a major depression in over 10 years.  But… and this is an important “but”… what has become apparent to me over the last week, was that although the “fires of hell” were under control (arguably), tending them was still a 24 hour job.  I don’t think I have ever actually had the experience of being happy without being manic (or in-love, which is a kind of mania also in my humble opinion).  There is some part of me that doesn’t even believe this is possible. There is some part of me (and this is a confession) that feels sorry for all the poor unfortunates out there who have never experienced hypomania.  Particularly since in the last 18 months, hypomania has been close to a 24 hour experience for me.  I thought I was uniquely blessed, by genes or fate, to be happy all the time.  Seriously, this is how delusional I could be.

And so – on to the next chapter.  Not to be be too hard on myself – after all, “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment” — Sufi sage/fool Mulla Nasrudin.

In the midst of this “deep dive” into bipolarity, soul-searching, and newly-acquired coffee sobriety, a copy of a most fascinating book falls into my hands, Julia Ross’s Mood Cure.  However, this is one of these things that it is yet too early for me to speak about – and also will require an entire article in itself.

Stay tuned for the next edition.

The news is official: The Trellis residential program has been shut down by the Norristown zoning department effective this Friday.  While one may argue about the application of the judgment (we have 3 days to move all tenants and housemates out!), I feel it to be a righteous decision.  And also inevitable – I lead a very public life, for better or for worse (the Trellis website has been up for some time, I may even ask the code inspector for feedback on my narcissistic ramblings, haha).  So from Friday, Rebekah and I and the children will be returning to the lifestyle of your average happy, healthy, normal American family .

The outpouring of love and support from our community has been overwhelming.  Our feelings in this situation are, of course, complex.

First and foremost: we want our response to be indicative of the values by which we live: finding people right wherever they are; the importance of friendship and community; and the ability to enjoy ourselves in every situation.  We have no animosity toward the zoning department, or even to the unidentified neighbor who called in the complaint; and we are having a major moving party over the next two days, and have asked for help from the community.

Secondly: it is easy to go into fear (even terror – how are Rebekah and I going to support ourselves?), anger, sadness (is this the end of our dream?), etc, and it is important to feel these feelings.  At the same time, the situation does have a “silver lining” – several, actually.  This is not mere positive thinking, this is the truth: this is an opportunity for us to gather as a community, and as a family, and think through what we’re doing here, and make sure that everyone is in agreement before we attempt this again (including the city planning department).  Life here has been stressful lately, it’s been a struggle, and I’ve been trying to push things through too long and too hard, trying to get everyone “on the program” as it were.  I am done with that, and it’s a rather freeing realization.  This community does represent my life’s work, in many ways, but it needs more agreement if it’s going to work (and I need to slow down and take other people’s opinion into account).

Thirdly… this may seem strange to say, but I will say it.  If you ask if I am upset, I will say YES, of course I am upset, at a certain level.  And yet, at another level, I am not.  There is the aforementioned “silver lining” for one.  There is also the fact that we are all Ok today – one day at a time, and I feel that this is a great testimonial to the resilience of the human spirit.  If we can survive this, we can survive anything.  But at a deeper level – a level of ultimate spiritual reality – there is a dimension of who I am, for better or for worse, that to me this is all the “play of consciousness” (this is the title of Muktananda’s autobiography).  All of this is for my growth, and serving me in more ways than I can even be aware of.  As I get older, I feel more and more surrendered to “what is so”, and grateful for the opportunity of learning more about myself and other people, and creating deeper connections, in the conversation that has ensued.  To me, this is what life is about – connections between people – everything else is just “fluff”.  “Love bears all things” [Corinthians 13:7]

The last chapter of Carl Jung’s autobiography Memories Dreams Reflections (which is one of my ten favorite books of all time) has always deeply affected me.  It is still, to my mind, the most powerful brief essay on the creative life that I have ever read.  It recently crossed my mind and so I am copying it below.  It’s long but well-worth reading – hope you enjoy.

On a personal note, big news and big events happening, however it’s too early to share.  I will let y’all know as soon as I possibly can…

Much love,

Marc

Extract from the last chapter of Carl Gustav Jung’s “Memories Dreams Reflections”

As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. The loneliness began with the experiences of my early dreams, and reached its climax at the time I was working on the unconscious. If a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely. But loneliness is not necessarily inimical to companionship, for no one is more sensitive to companionship than the lonely man, and companionship thrives only when each individual remembers his individuality and does not identify himself with others.

It is important to have a secret, a premonition of things unknown. It fills life with something impersonal, a numinosum. A man who has never experienced that has missed something important. He must sense that he lives in a world which in some respects is mysterious; that things happen and can be experienced which remain inexplicable; that not everything which happens can be anticipated. The unexpected and the incredible belong in this world. Only then is life whole. For me the world has from the beginning been infinite and ungraspable.

I have had much trouble getting along with my ideas. There was a daimon in me, and in the end its presence proved decisive. It overpowered me, and if I was at times ruthless it was because I was in the grip of the daimon. I could never stop at anything once attained. I had to hasten on, to catch up with my vision. Since my contemporaries, understandably, could not perceive my vision, they saw only a fool rushing ahead.

I have offended many people, for as soon as I saw that they did not understand me, that was the end of the matter so far as I was concerned. I had to move on. I had no patience with people—aside from my patients. I had to obey an inner law which was imposed on me and left me no freedom of choice. Of course I did not always obey it. How can anyone live without inconsistency?

For some people I was continually present and close to them so long as they were related to my inner world; but then it might happen that I was no longer with them, because there was nothing left which would link me to them. I had to learn painfully that people continued to exist even when they had nothing more to say to me. Many excited in me a feeling of living humanity, but only when they appeared within the magic circle of psychology; next moment, when the spotlight cast its beam elsewhere, there was nothing to be seen. I was able to become intensely interested in many people; but as soon as I had seen through them, the magic was gone. In this way I made many enemies. A creative person has little power over his own life. He is not free. He is captive and driven by his daimon.

“Shamefully A power wrests away the heart from us,
For the Heavenly Ones each demand sacrifice;
But if it should be withheld
Never has that led to good,”

says Holderlin.

This lack of freedom has been a great sorrow to me. Often I felt as if I were on a battlefield, saying, “Now you have fallen, my good comrade, but I must go on.” For “shamefully a power wrests away the heart from us.” I am fond of you, indeed I love you, but I cannot stay. There is something heart-rending about that. And I myself am the victim; I cannot stay. But the daimon manages things so that one comes through, and blessed inconsistency sees to it that in flagrant contrast to my “disloyalty” I can keep faith in unsuspected measure.

Perhaps I might say: I need people to a higher degree than others, and at the same time much less. When the daimon is at work, one is always too close and too far. Only when it is silent can one achieve moderation.

The daimon of creativity has ruthlessly had its way with me. The ordinary undertakings I planned usually had the worst of it—though not always and not everywhere. By way of compensation, I think, I am conservative to the bone. I fill my pipe from my grandfather’s tobacco jar and still keep his alpenstock, topped with a chamois horn, which he brought back from Pontresina after having been one of the first guests at that newly opened Kurort.

I am satisfied with the course my life has taken. It has been bountiful, and has given me a great deal. How could I ever have expected so much? Nothing but unexpected things kept happening to me. Much might have been different if I myself had been different. But it was as it had to be; for all came about because I am as I am. Many things worked out as I planned them to, but that did not always prove of benefit to me. But almost everything developed naturally and by destiny. I regret many follies which sprang from my obstinacy; but without that trait I would not have reached my goal. And so I am disappointed and not disappointed. I am disappointed with people and disappointed with myself. I have learned amazing things from people, and have accomplished more than I expected of myself. I cannot form any final judgment because the phenomenon of life and the phenomenon of man are too vast. The older I have become, the less I have understood or had insight into or known about myself.

I am astonished, disappointed, pleased with myself. I am distressed, depressed, rapturous. I am all these things at once, and cannot add up the sum. I am incapable of determining ultimate worth or worthlessness; I have no judgment about myself and my life. There is nothing I am quite sure about. I have no definite convictions—not about anything, really. I know only that I was born and exist, and it seems to me that I have been carried along. I exist on the foundation of something I do not know. In spite of all uncertainties, I feel a solidity underlying all existence and a continuity in my mode of being.

The world into which we are born is brutal and cruel, and at the same time of divine beauty. Which element we think outweighs the other, whether meaninglessness or meaning, is a matter of temperament. If meaninglessness were absolutely preponderant, the meaningfulness of life would vanish to an increasing degree with each step in our development. But that is —or seems to me—not the case. Probably, as in all metaphysical questions, both are true: Life is — or has — meaning and meaninglessness. I cherish the anxious hope that meaning will preponderate and win the battle.

When Lao-tzu says: “All are clear, I alone am clouded,” he is expressing what I now feel in advanced old age. Lao-tzu is the example of a man with superior insight who has seen and experienced worth and worthlessness, and who at the end of his life desires to return into his own being, into the eternal unknowable meaning. The archetype of the old man who has seen enough is eternally true. At every level of intelligence this type appears, and its lineaments are always the same, whether it be an old peasant or a great philosopher like Lao-tzu. This is old age, and a limitation. Yet there is so much that fills me: plants, animals, clouds, day and night, and the eternal in man. The more uncertain I have felt about myself, the more there has grown up in me a feeling of kinship with all things. In fact it seems to me as if that alienation which so long separated me from the world has become transferred into my own inner world and has revealed to me an unexpected unfamiliarity with myself.

An old friend of mine, and subscriber to this blog, told me recently that she missed the honesty and vulnerability of the old “Marc’s Life and Travels”.  I agree.  There are a few circumstances in my life that cause me to be a bit less transparent than I normally like to be.  All will be revealed eventually, but in the meantime…

Early this morning, as I was reviewing the depressing gap between my aspirations and my reality, and thinking what a fraud I am (for daring to write about issues of personal development when my own life feels like such a mess)…

… I listened to this audio by Steve Chandler, one of my favorite writers, inspirational speakers and coaches:

Purpose vs. Personality (mp3 audio, 20 min)  (Courtesy of Steve – right-click and save to your computer)

This is about the choice we have to live in “Purpose” – drawing energy and inspiration from our vision – or living in “Personality”, which is the all-about-me-and-my-feelings state, or the endless battle to change other people to get more attention, understanding or respect from them (been there done that – ouch).  It’s about creating value from what is present here and now, versus being a victim of circumstances and of our emotions.

This talk got my head straight.  Let me know if you enjoy it.

This audio and many more like it, incidentally, are available as part of Steve’s subscription service Club Fearless, which is just $20/mth (and free the first month).  I originally signed-up just because I like the guy and wanted to support his mission, which is a vision of a whole world of people committed to living in their purpose and in their passion.  Plus Steve responds to email, which is always appreciated (I like gurus who respond to email).  Since joining however, the benefits have way exceeded my expectations. 

Other wonderful changes are happening in my life, in my marriage and in my community.. please stay tuned for future updates.

I recently came across this fascinating introduction to a new book called Presence: Human Purpose and the Field of the Future, by (among others) Peter M. Senge and C. Otto Scharmer. The book presents a radical new model for leadership based on a new understanding of how organizations function in relationship to individuals’ own "deep work".  Read the paper as it is very good.

One of the things that the authors did was to interview leading scientists, business people and social entrepreneurs, asking them the question: "What question lies at the heart of your work?".  When I read this, something immediately clicked and my answer came: "Then let us see what love can do" (William Penn).  What I love about this quote is that William Penn is not saying "love will solve all your problems".  He is saying, just try it and see what happens – decide for yourself.  You may have tried X, you may have tried Y, and it hasn’t worked – why not try love?  When I said this to myself, I immediately started to cry. That is "the question at the heart of my work", with Trellis, with Waking in Down in Mutuality, with Shalom Mountain and everything else that I do, even my marriage. 

One of the basic premises of the book is that reality (matter, the phenomenological world) is shaped by fields of intention, in the same way that a tiny seed can grow into a huge tree.  We tend to say that a tree comes from a seed, but think about this for a moment.  A seed clearly does not have the resources to create a tree.  However, it does contain an intention (blueprint, pattern, organizing principle) to become a tree.  From that intention, it pulls everything it needs from the environment (ie carbon dioxide, sunshine etc) to manifest its intention.  How cool is that? In the same way, the smallest force in the field of intention (as in, for example, a small loving act towards oneself or another) can generate dramatic results. 

There are some very dramatic things happening right now in my life and in the lives of many people that I am connected with. I have initiated several developmental groups in which, I believe, deep and important work is being done.  Trellis itself is, in a way, a developmental group.  As I am starting to really "get" some of the concepts in the "Presence" book and in Waking Down, and as I am actively seeking the support of peers and the mentoring of teachers such as Saniel Bonder, my world is irrevocably shifting, and my effectiveness as an agent for change is multiplying.  I will share more about this in a little while as right now it is still in its baby stage…

What question lies at the heart of your work?

A few announcements:

1. I have setup the “Marc’s Life” list and blog as its own blog, as it isn’t logically part of any of the other businesses that I am creating.  The archive of old posts is still available here.
2. I have been using the Polyphasic sleep site for generic personal check-ins – understandably as I have been using polyphasic sleep essentially as an experiment in personal development (consciousness research).  But from now the site will be limited to my experiences specifically in polyphasic sleep, that has been ongoing for 10 weeks now (wow, can you believe it I have been doing anything consistently for 10 weeks .
3. As excited as I am about Saniel Bonder and his teachings, along with other models of development that we are creating at Trellis and testing in our new Relationship Coaching practice, these things convey best by direct contact rather than email.  Also the “Marc’s life” subscribers (you guys) signed-up as my friends rather than as students of this-or-that guru or transformational practice, so it’s not entirely appropriate for me to wax eloquent on my latest guru to this list.  So I am going to be sharing a bit more concretely to this list going forward.  If you are wanting to stay tuned-in to my developmental philosophy and practice, please subscribe to Lifestyle Design School which is the new forum for these types of things.
4. There has been substantial progress in terms of my life-work and business.  I am starting an online training company for blogging, internet marketing, internet business development strategy, and possibly personal productivity (David Allen’s Getting Things Done methodology), under my current wonderful domain name Tranquility Consulting.  I have some trial clients right now and I provide training both on-site and via Windows remote desktop.  I will be marketing through my network, eBay and strategic partnerships.  This idea has been a long-time in gestation.  I will share more later.
5. Rebekah has resigned her job.  She was unhappy there and the personal cost was too high, not to mention lost opportunity for energy healing clients, relationship coaching, weight-loss coaching, and developing Trellis.  I fully anticipate she will make up her lost salary in two weeks time.
6. I am back on polyphasic sleep and it’s going well.  I don’t know what I would do without it and in many ways it’s the lynchpin of my personal development program.  I am attempting to do all my research and business development in the first polyphasic shift (2-6am), and my calls and billable hours in the second shift (9-1).  Then I have a long nap and I am free for the rest of the afternoon and evening. This is my ideal schedule.  I haven’t yet “ironed out all the wrinkles”, but there has been so much change and personal transformation in other dimensions lately that I am not too worried about it.  Getting clear on a business vision (any business vision was huge, and the David Allen / Getting Things Done (GTD) connection is also huge.

So – I won’t say that the “consciousness revolution party” is over – after all Saniel and Linda are coming this weekend and I am so excited I can hardly breathe (I will be spending four days with them) – however, it’s becoming more grounded and concrete.  And while this is too long to get into right now, let me just say that my historical distress / obsession around issues of money and time-management is my core spiritual work (core wound), and is being addressed by the work I am doing with the Bonder’s and Waking Down, in addition to business development at Tranquility Consulting.  All this is an aspect of what Saniel calls “hypermasculine dharmas”, I will just leave you a little nugget:

The fundamental intention [of hypermasculine dharmas] is to dissociate from perceived limits of who we are and what we can or can not do… In order to accomplish the necessary dissociation, extrication, or liberation, the hypermasculine force of being first analyzes the limits it perceives and then deduces, by both intuitive and deductive means, strategies of thought and action that will achieve the desired goals.  The hypermasculine impulse then works to superimpose these strategic formulas of thought upon the living human mind and body.

Chew on that one for a bit, particularly in terms of the potential costs of such a system to one’s psyche.  This is the dominant developmental paradigm of the Western world (and Eastern styles aren’t really any better).

Life has been really wild here since Rebekah and I came back from Shalom Mountain and since I started my Yoga Transformational Bootcamp a week ago.  Rebekah and I are totally in-sync again, which is a beautiful thing when it happens.  With 3 Morehouse teachers visiting for the Basic Sensuality course, life has become even more intense and chaotic than it was before – a bit too much even for me, I must confess.  All normal scheduling and life-predictability has fallen by the wayside, polyphasic sleep is off, job-hunting is off… it’s a little scary actually.

And yet I feel so much energy (Shakti) flowing right now that I know deep-down everything is Ok.  Producing our first Morehouse course has given me an excuse to get in touch with a lot of people, and even though I am getting mixed response to the invitation to come to our courses (the Evening with Vic and the Basic Sensuality), I have been having really excellent contact with people, which is deeply nourishing to me, so much so that I am determined to make this kind of reaching out a regular part of my life.  I feel I have been quite self-involved lately, and that stage is coming to an end.  Opportunities for service and contribution are sprouting up all over the place.

As if running Trellis and producing the courses were not enough, I have started four other personal transformational businesses in the last month (either alone or with Rebekah), of which two are already generating some income (albeit small amounts): we had new Relationship Coaching clients here on Saturday; the Yoga Transformational Bootcamp I am organizing has been going very strong, in less than a week it has become the core of my personal development program; and I have  research clients for both Lifestyle Design Coaching and Polyphasic Sleep Coaching, which I am doing on a gift offering basis for now.  In addition, there have been some important conversations and meetings regarding both possible work opportunities and our financial situation, which I am not going to share here (it’s a bit premature).  I feel pretty confident that these conversations will give fruit within another few months, so I just need to find a way to bide my time until then.  This has been deeply settling for me.  I am thinking for now of short-term contracts that I can pick-up on the freelancer marketplaces (Guru.com, Elance etc.) and from my network – see Web Technology Guru (that’s me . I just need to put some attention on that, which I am planning on doing from next week.

Two other very important connections to note as well.  Given the success of Yoga Bootcamp, I have wanted to get a Yoga Teacher certification, and I am going to take the teacher training at a place called the Yoga Life Institute which is quite near here.  This is more than your average yoga teacher training, it’s essentially a year-long program in Yoga and Vedic studies.  I can begin right away, it’s open enrollment.  I am thrilled at the thought of having this kind of structure and discipline in my life, including being mentored, service and community-building opportunities at the school, and a supervised individual practice.  An entire year of yoga and meditation daily are bound to have a profound positive impact on me.  Secondly, I have made contact with a spiritual teacher in Swami Rudrananda’s (”Rudi”) lineage, his name is Swami Khecaranatha (previously Steven Ott), who has agreed to meet me in Berkeley at an intensive he is doing in July to see about working with him.  This is the first time in my life I have ever considered taking a “guru”, but I have been so profoundly impacted by the Rudi teachings (described in John Mann’s book “14 years with my teacher”) that I feel very drawn to this. It takes a minimum 3-year preparation to be considered for the teacher training (and no guarantees!), and the training itself is 4-6 years, so this is not something to go into lightly. I will write more about this, including the nature of the practice, another time.  Just  to say that Rudi was an American born (Brooklyn Jew!) enlightened being who taught all of his life out of his Manhattan art-dealer storefront and never charged a dime for it.  He died in 1973.

Given all this, you can understand why I may be feeling a bit overwhelmed.  But it’s a good overwhelm.  This afternoon, I spent some very good time with my step-daughter Ariana, who is 9, and it was the perfect thing to do in the midst of “a crisis.” .  Truthfully there is no crisis, just a bit of work to do.

Despite many ups and downs, I am still deeply happy and confident about this radical experiment in passionate living that I am involved with.  The experiment is defying traditional wisdom, even scaring me at times, but I am being moved by some great wave of life and I have given up resisting.  It has been ongoing at this level of intensity now since last September (6 months and counting) and shows no signs of stopping; I have never experienced anything like this before.  My writing has slowed down a lot, which is a good thing, as my energy is starting to move more outwards.   I feel in many ways that the last six months have been a preparation for this next thing that is coming now, that I have been building-up self-confidence and some kind of internal structure during this time.  I am anticipating that March and April are going to be an extraordinarily eventful and fulfilling time for me and for all of us here at Trellis, and that many gifts are going to be offered.  I am happy and grateful beyond belief for all this.

This article was originally published on Adventures in Relationship and Community as On spiritual arrogance and negative feedback.