I have been quiet on this list for some time. As public a person as I am, and as much as I enjoy baring my soul all over the internet and to anyone who will listen, there are many aspects of my recent experience that are not useful to share – and some others that involve other people as well, whose story is not mine to tell. But it is time for me to speak out again. If you are looking for my usual “blood and guts” storyline you probably won’t be disappointed, but this story does have a happy ending 
.
If you have been following me on this newsletter, you know that I have been struggling with bipolarity for some time. I have, essentially, been on an 18 month-long hypomanic trip, powered by coffee. It was very fun while it lasted (although less so in the last 6 months) but as my latest business venture collapsed (what I believed to be my life-work, the Trellis commune), my coffee addiction got out of control, and my marriage was on the rocks, I had to do some serious soul-searching. I ended up at the Shivananda yoga ranch in the Catskills, first for two long weekends in December, and then for 9 consecutive days, that are just ending. I came here for residential detox from coffee addiction – they don’t serve caffeine here (and I am not the only one here for this purpose, either!). As a kind of self-directed personal retreat venue, this place is as close to paradise as I can imagine (and all of the other guests here are having the same experience, incidentally, so this is not just “hypomanic talk” ). In addition to the benefits of 4 hours a day of yoga and long walks in the beautiful winter countryside, there is world-class vegetarian food, very comfortable and reasonably-priced rooms, cell-phone reception, and internet in my room (that does it – I am moving in). The only (arguably) negative, is the lack of animal protein in the diet, which according to my research is very important for recovery from mood disorders (see below).
A few comments on bipolarity – all this from a recent “deep dive” into the topic, my “bible” being Ronald Fieve’s Bipolar Breakthrough. My self-diagnosis is Bipolar IIb, which is a low-grade variation on classic manic-depression. The highs are not so out-of-touch with reality as in classic Bipolar I (manic-depression) but there definitely can be some loss of judgment, anger/impatience/irritability, high risk of sexual and financial indiscretions, huge correlation to addictive behavior (especially alcohol and marijuana) and of course the recurring depressions. I am very fortunate not to have hit any major depressions (knock-on-wood) – at least longer than a day or two – but the thing about bipolars, is that no-one wants to live with us. Rebekah, bless her heart, was doing her best, but pretty well at the end of her rope (which reminds me of a line from the AA Big Book (Dr. Bob’s story): “for some reason I cannot comprehend, we alcoholics attract the finest kind of women”. I am not alcoholic, but… you get the idea).
The “b” in “Bipolar IIb”, incidentally, stands for “beneficial”, and highlights the doubled-edged sword of this condition. It means that when properly understood and treated, Bipolar II can be an advantage in life. Many famous historical figures are estimated to have had to deal with it (including Winston Churchill, Napoleon, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln of course, Teddy Roosevelt, Andrew Carnegie, William James and Martin Luther) and there are a great many highly regarded modern artists, business leaders, scientists and authors who carry it. In my case… well I am certainly not at the level of a William James or Martin Luther — and certainly not an Andrew Carnegie — but I think that Rebekah and I did some good work with Trellis. The people who lived here were very happy, and the community we built is still strong. And so while in many ways Trellis was a kind of great hypomanic trip for me (a “variety of religious experience” – William James is also opening my eyes) it wasn’t entirely delusional either. And who is to define what is “real” or not in human consciousness anyway (or even, really, who is “bipolar”)? I follow the dictum “the true test of your spiritual success is the happiness of the people around you” (Rudi), which is the same as “by their works ye shall know them”. I was certainly very happy here. If I had to do it all over again, I would.
But back to Shivananda. As the stress of the last 3 months began to fall away, and the “coffee DT’s” subsided, it became apparent to me that I have been dealing all my life with a treatment-resistant mood-disorder. In my late 20’s and early 30s, I went through a very long and painful depression. Years of psychotherapy helped only slightly, and dozens of trials of anti-depressants either did nothing or made matters worse. At one point, seriously, I had decided that if I was still depressed by age 40 I could kill myself in good conscience – it was simply unbearable. However, I can be very persistent and also quite resilient (this is part of the “hypomanic edge” by the way – us bipolars tend to shrug off the pains and difficulties of life better than most since we always have some new plan or adventure brewing). Eventually I got out, primarily through lifestyle changes, relationships and community-building, and today I attribute most of any depth, compassion or insight into human nature that I may have acquired over the years, to this very painful experience of my twenties and early thirties. As of now, I haven’t had a major depression in over 10 years. But… and this is an important “but”… what has become apparent to me over the last week, was that although the “fires of hell” were under control (arguably), tending them was still a 24 hour job. I don’t think I have ever actually had the experience of being happy without being manic (or in-love, which is a kind of mania also in my humble opinion). There is some part of me that doesn’t even believe this is possible. There is some part of me (and this is a confession) that feels sorry for all the poor unfortunates out there who have never experienced hypomania. Particularly since in the last 18 months, hypomania has been close to a 24 hour experience for me. I thought I was uniquely blessed, by genes or fate, to be happy all the time. Seriously, this is how delusional I could be.
And so – on to the next chapter. Not to be be too hard on myself – after all, “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment” — Sufi sage/fool Mulla Nasrudin.
In the midst of this “deep dive” into bipolarity, soul-searching, and newly-acquired coffee sobriety, a copy of a most fascinating book falls into my hands, Julia Ross’s Mood Cure. However, this is one of these things that it is yet too early for me to speak about – and also will require an entire article in itself.
Stay tuned for the next edition.
